Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Diving For The Floor

I told Vikki North that I really have not felt like blogging much the past months, haven't even kept up with the blogs that I follow. It's not depression or laziness or lack of topics to write about. I've just been introspective. Thoughts about aging, which I long ago embraced, progress and changes that have happened throughout my journey and the like have been occupying a lot of my time.

I've been 'Touching The Rock' so to speak. This is what I say when someone is going through self-evaluation, i.e., "How far have I come? What have I accomplished here? Am I on the path I chose for myself and have my dreams been fruitful"? It usually comes several times in life where we sing that old Peggy Lee song, Is That All There Is? Or, as Jack Nicholson ratchets up the angst in his psychiatrist's office with the question from the title line of the movie, "Is this as good as it gets"?

It's about setting goals for what comes next, and yet not. It's feeling like you're hanging on the wall, a spider in a fugue state - same position, same place for weeks, not really moving, just kind of being there. Waiting.

I've been going over a check list. Maybe it started because I notice that I write check lists for everything these days to jog my somewhat iffy memory: What I'm going to do today; what projects need finished; a personal honey-do list. I make the lists because it feels good to cross them off as they've been attended to. And I also write them because I really need to or I forget something vital.

So. I've started noticing things more - how the wrinkles are accumulating on my face compared to the life mask in plaster made of a vibrant 27 year old me hanging near me. There are no squint marks, crepey lids or neck, no tiny fissures on lips for lipstick to creep into on that life sculpture. Just the firm and defined face of my youth.

Then there's the way my body betrays me by getting winded on a short stroll to the road trying to herd cats back to the house or the way I lumber and grunt going up a short flight of stairs to the accompaniment of creaking joints and shaky flesh. THIS body that used to dive out of airplanes, wrangle horses, jump motorcycles over mounds of dirt and rock, outrun the neighborhood boys, belly dance, love me up some men, work 14 hours - HARD and still want to go out dancing once the wood was stacked. THOSE kind of changes.

Another of my changes that brought home this past Monday at 2:30 a.m. is my waning lack of grace and agility. I literally forgot where I was getting out of the bed to pee. Forgot that I'd plugged in a small space heater to combat Florida's version of hard winter at 32 degrees and closelined myself at mid leg. Sent me flying ass end over tea kettle. I put my hands out to stop my face from kissing the floor, but my knee landed perfectly.

I knew something was not right because the pain was excruciating and immediate. I pick myself up, grab an ice bag and hope for the best. An hour and a half later watching the discoloration creeping around and outward from the point of impact and the growing size of things, I figured I better get myself to the ER and hobbled out to the car. Xrays, a shot in the leg, a Medieval leg brace, a script for drugz, and four hours later, I'm home. The orthopedic surgeon the ER folks referred me to took more xrays today, said I'd broken my knee cap, put me in another device to immobilize it, gave me stronger drugz, and sent me home for the swelling to go down.

The Percoset I took when I got home is giving me a strange disassociation with the offending knee. I've forgiven myself the clumsiness, realize that watching my face and body evolve from that killer physique and hottie face into this Who, is actually pretty neat and interesting. I'd give it a nine on the entertainment scale. Another side effect of the Percoset is finding the most incredible color scheme in my flesh.

Something made me take pictures of it when I first did the 3 pointer into the floor, yesterday, and again today. Martha Marshall is always taking pictures of rusty stuff, concrete, pipes and chipped paint to drive her art. I'm thinking of offering her my knee portraits to add to her inspiration folder.

I'm also thinking that the floor dive is a way for the Cosmic to tell me to continue the introspection since I won't be off partying anytime soon.

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3


ladyiris313 said...

Goodness gracious darlin! Now that is one serious message from the Big Kahuna that its time for you to sit your muffin down for a spell. I do give you this, you have managed some delightful technicolor body rainbows to keep you amused for a while. You rest yourself .. think some beautiful thoughts ... remember how grand it is to wear down a bit instead of rusting away.. and .. *clinks a glass* here's to more adventures when that knee lets you up! My My!

Pam said...

OMG! You rest and stay off that leg! It must be so very painful!

Pam said...

Also, being on Facebook now (talking to old high school classmates, and reminiscing) is making me take a look at myself too - how back in the day I thought I was fat, ugly, etc. but realize now that I wasn't! I could just kick myself for not realizing how I really looked. The bad thing is that since I felt I looked that way, I ACTED like I was that way, and thus did not have many friends.

queenlint1 said...

Thanks Biscuit! I intend to do just that!


queenlint1 said...

Lady Iris,

YOU helped me more than you know! I went to your blog and read. Came back with new optimism and a sense of myself!

Thanks Beauty!!

Wandering Jasmine said...

Oh my, oh my, what wonderful colour! And yet looking at it pains me too. Rest easy girl. Sometimes we are forced into sitting still for a good while. I did a similar thing last year but tripped over seemingly nothing rushing to work and broke my elbow in 2 places and fractured my wrist. Whilst I was 'resting' I took up painting again (was my left arm), finished reading Women Who Run with the Wolves and decided to apply for a promotion, which I got as soon as I returned to work. With our busy lives and energy decanted into numerous avenues of creativity, responsibility and burden, we women need to schedule in regular sabbaticals from all our tasks and titles to re-centre. I hope the time proves productive for you. Brightest blessings.

queenlint1 said...

Madmoiselle Jasmine,
I would NOT trade you my fractured knee cap for YOUR fractured elbow and wrist! Those are horrible injuries to heal up!

Women Who Run is a wonderful book and should be required reading for women everywhere! And it seems you took to heart the message, for you got your promotion!

I am definitely listening to the Cosmic 2 X 4 and laying low, paying attention to self and listening out for what messages are in the leaves for me!


ladyiris313 said...

Bella ... how are you doing now? Please know I am thinking 'cuddled up in warm comforters, sipping aromatic tea' thoughts for you!

Rosa said...

Oh my Lord!! That looks horrific! It IS hell getting old(er)!!! I fell down the wooden deck stairs this summer (I too kept a journal of pictures). My left boo-tock looked quite similar (no, I did not take pictures of THAT!). Ouch. Hope you're on the mend!! (OH, and what IS with the jiggly stuff?? EW!)

Anonymous said...

Hi Nice Blog . I don't really know a lot about Knee or art, but that's just my 2 cents. Really great job though, Krudman! Keep up the good work!