Monday, September 29, 2008

"Hello? Has Anyone Seen Pam? HELLO........?"

Please reply to this email so I’ll be able to convince myself that I’m not in some kind of crazy time warp or Twilight Zone episode…

Well, bad eye sight, over medication of narcotic drugs and a habit of driving like a bat out of hell (is that where I am?) finally caught up to my Mama yesterday afternoon. Daddy and I were out in the guinea pen trying to fashion a hanging feeder out of a dog leash and two S rings when we got the call from Mama that she “was in the ditch down by Beeson’s dam.”

So off we go in Daddy’s truck (a mile down the road) – and there was Mama’s recently acquired Lexus RX 330 SUV turned over on its side in a 6 foot ditch – and literally 100 feet of turn up ditch behind her. She, on her way home from a baby shower, was perfectly coiffed and shoed and dressed on the side of the road and a WHOLE BUNCH of people had pulled over to help her. Two big ol’ boys had opened up the car door and pulled her out.

Mama: I saw a car coming towards me and it was about to cross the line so I must have just run off the road into the ditch (100 feet back).

Witness 1: I was behind her and she just run right straight off the road. She never braked or nothing. She hit the ditch and gunned it – them tires were spinning a hundred miles a minute. And then the car just couldn’t go any further and turned over on its side. LORD HAVE MERCY!!

Witness 2: (supposedly the car that crossed the center line – but was ¼ mile away when she hit the ditch) We was coming up over the hill and saw her driving through the ditch and we was scared that she might be able to get out of the ditch and cross over and kill us – we had kids in the back seat. But my husband said there was no way she could drive out of that ditch and then the car just couldn’t go any further and turned over on it’s side. My husband reached in there and toted her out. LORD HAVE MERCY!!

Witness 1: Do you want me to go get your brother?

Pam: (to myself) Who are you and how do you know who my brother is?

Daddy: I think he’s mowing the pasture.

Witness 1: I’ll get him.

Pam: (to myself) Where is the vodka?

My brother, Tony, came and pondered the situation and figured it all out and took control (thankfully).

By this time the NC Highway Patrolman arrived. VERY cute and studly and in uniform and all that… – and of course I looked like a homeless person in sweats and Crocs and appropriately dressed in what you wear to the pasture to fashion a hanging feeder with a dog leash and two S rings for three guinea fowl who all they do is eat and shit and dig in the dirt. (I really do think they love me though…)

Pam: (to myself) FUCK!

So the tow truck guy comes – and HE (much more age appropriate for me) – looking pretty handsome in his yellow slicker outfit - drags the car out of the ditch. I get assigned to ride with him to deliver the car to the house. He doesn’t make eye contact and I can’t blame him.

Pam: (to myself) FUCK! WHERE is the vodka?

So the car is safely in the yard – looking worse for the wear and without a tire... Handsome tow truck guy got his $175 for towing the car a mile. Mama cried in the recliner for 15 minutes and then fell asleep. I found the vodka. Dreamed of drinks and dinner at Bella’s.

Today I called Nationwide to report the claim and answered all the questions.

Steve: Did anyone have to employ extrication measures to get her out of the car?

Pam: No, we live out in the country and a country boy just hauled her out.


Steve: (to himself) OMG, another bunch of rednecks – who do I hate enough to assign this claim to.

Steve: Were there any witnesses?

Pam: Yes, but I didn’t get their names. I could probably ask around…

Steve: That’s okay. Brianna will call you tomorrow.

So life goes on…and it could be a lot worse - Mom is fine. But, where am I? Hello???

Ed. Note: I received this from a dear friend who lives in North Carolina. This is just a sampling of the literature I get from her on a regular basis. And she's just as colorful in person. I keep telling her she needs to write a book about a city girl returning back home to her roots in the country and the culture shock that occurs after thirty years.)


tashabud said...

That was a bad situation, yet your friend wrote it with good humor. Yes, your friend should write that book. I enjoyed reading this post.


queenlint1 said...


I know! She's a straight faced zinger and talks pretty much like she writes!


redchair said...

Well-I admit it. I didn't know what was going on. I thought I was in the twilight zone with her. I was just soooo relieved when I realized it wasn't you, Dina! (I was sailing down that ditch with her!)

Absolutely- a book on 'city girl goes country' would be excellent. Very cute blog story.

queenlint1 said...


I'm sorry for worrying you, Little Mama! I thought everyone would know it wasn't me!

Pam reminds me a lot of Southern writers who focus on what they know.
I've kept after her for years to write with her talent -- I haven't been able to convince her to blog. Yet.


Martha Marshall said...

Girl's got talent to spare. She has to do something with this stuff.

queenlint1 said...


Ain't she? Listening to her talk about the goings-on at her family's farm is interesting AND funny.


Eric S. said...

The sad thing, is I understood everything she was feeling, except the part about the cute guys. Being a small town country by, who buy the way used to own a wrecker service (the only one in town).

I knew everybody, even if they didn't know me. I can remember some old high school friends, who had been away a little too long, that returned to feel like outsiders. It was not because of how they were treated, it was because they had undergone that strange metamorphosis of cityification (I know , not a real word, but what do you expect from a redneck).

We operated at a different pace than those in the city.

Yes she has talent to burn, and is depriving us all of her perspective (OK I'm selfish, just want to read more of her stuff)

queenlint1 said...

I know about the shock of coming back to city life after one in the country AND vice versa!

One thing that has stayed with me is that I STILL do not like big crowds or places where my personal space is invaded by more than 3 people!

I'm going to keep after Pam until she does write!

Thanks, cowboy!